‘There’s a complex discussion about consent we should be having with children and teens’: A Conversation with Jane Gilmore

A stalwart of the gender-based violence advocacy sector, Jane Gilmore has been writing, researching and advising on the media’s representation and reporting of domestic violence for over 15 years. 

Known to many for her social media series Fixed It!, amending vague and victim-blaming news headlines, Jane is also an author.

Her newest book, It Takes a Village to Teach Your Children About Consent, connects her years of knowledge as an advocate with her experience as a parent, aiming to answer many of the big questions facing parents and teachers about sex, consent, gender, relationships and the online world.

EQI: Congratulations on your new book, It Takes a Village to Teach Your Children About Consent. The importance of protecting kids is obviously evergreen, but this book is particularly timely, as – from Roblox to the Manosphere – we confront new and evolving risks to children’s safety from online and digital spaces. 

To begin with, can you talk us through what led you to writing this book, and the main challenges or surprises you came across while writing it? 

JANE: I wrote the book because too many parents and families were scared and struggling to find help. They support consent education for their kids but they don’t know enough about what happens in those classes and they’re understandably worried about what their kids are learning. My work over the last 20 years is based in understanding sexual violence and how we can prevent or at least reduce it and I remember how scary my own kid’s teen years were. I wrote the book I wish I’d had when my kids were just starting those years.  

EQI: How did you find that attitudes towards the idea of consent, particularly for children, have changed over time?  

JANE: I’m not sure they’ve changed, so much as we have a much more nuanced understanding now than we used to. When I was at school we didn’t learn anything about consent. We were lucky if we got the put-the-condom-on-the-banana lesson. But most adults now understand there’s a complex discussion about consent we should be having with children and teens, even if they don’t always feel confident to have that discussion themselves.  

By the time kids are 3 years old…they know strong solid boys and sweet pretty girls are praiseworthy and this impacts their understanding of how they are supposed to interact with someone, especially if they want that person to like them.  

EQI: Can you explain how teaching children about consent informs their ability to engage in respectful relationships, and speak to how these skills can play a role in ending violence more broadly?  

JANE: If we start young, with 3 and 4 year olds, and teach children that we just automatically ask for and get consent before we touch someone, take something from them or give something to them (‘I want to give you a hug, is that ok?’ ‘May I borrow your crayons?’ ‘Is it alright if I leave my bag here with you?’) they will grow up just expecting that this is how they should relate to other people. Embedded in those lessons is the belief that they have the right to ask for love and affection without shame and if their request is denied it’s not a reflection of their worth or ability to be loved, it’s just about how the other person is feeling and it may have nothing to do with them at all. If a kid can grasp those lessons, most if not all the motivations for sexual and relationship violence will disappear.  

EQI: Does a solid foundational understanding of consent contribute to safeguarding kids from other/less direct risks EG. as they begin utilising online spaces through gaming and social media? 

JANE: Consent is not and should not be just about sex. It’s about every aspect of our interactions with each other. Which is why we need to start teaching it years before kids are ready to think about sex.  

EQI: Through different childhood ages and stages, what impact does gender (and/or gender stereotypes) have on trying to teach children to understand consent comprehensively?  

JANE: Gender impacts every age and stage. By the time kids are 3 years old they have clear ideas about gender and what it means for how they should behave. Boys know they should be dominant and assertive, and girls know they are supposed to be nice and placatory. This doesn’t mean they do behave that way (many don’t even come close to it) but they know strong solid boys and sweet pretty girls are praiseworthy and this impacts their understanding of how they are supposed to interact with someone, especially if they want that person to like them.  

The most powerful thing we can do to protect boys from that shame is to teach them that their self-worth is not dependent on their masculinity and that masculinity is not dependent on dominance or aggression. 

EQI: What other external factors can shape a child’s understanding of consent?  

JANE: Online influences are obviously huge here, but no one should ever underestimate family backgrounds and the attitudes kids pick up at home long before they create their online worlds. Friends are also very influential; children and teens will often perform attitudes they may not even really believe if they think it will get them praise and attention from their friends and classmates. Feeling afraid, insecure or isolated can also lead kids to claim, pretend, act on and come to believe in some values that might truly shock their parents.  

EQI: How does shame impact the likelihood of someone experiencing or perpetrating violence, and, given the experience of shame is so internal and varied, how can we protect children from its impacts? 

JANE: Boys and men who feel shame about their masculinity are often more prone to violence. There is substantial research that connects gendered shame in men to violence against women, children and other men. Usually, it’s about feeling they need to prove to themselves or to others that they are in control, dominant, and someone to be respected and feared. The most powerful thing we can do to protect boys from that shame is to teach them that their self-worth is not dependent on their masculinity and that masculinity is not dependent on dominance or aggression. 

EQI: Is there a link between shame and susceptibility to Manosphere ideologies, or did you find there were other, more significant, influences there?  

JANE: Shame is definitely a vulnerability but so is loneliness, isolation, insecurity and feeling powerless to change themselves or their lives. All these vulnerabilities interact in different ways that make the manosphere more attractive so it’s difficult to pinpoint a single susceptibility. Sometimes the content is like a fashion or a fad and as kids grow up, they usually find better ways to connect to the world. But some boys never escape or if they do, they carry some truly harmful beliefs with them when they leave.  

EQI: What piece of advice you would give to an adult wanting to contribute to the ‘village’ referenced in your title, for a child in their own life? 

JANE: Get involved. Turn up. Have the conversations. You don’t have to know everything or be an expert, you just have to be there and be willing to listen without judgement and speak without hiding your own insecurities and mistakes. Do all that and you can make a real difference in a child’s life. 

EQI: When you imagine a more equal world, what do you see? 

JANE: A world where no one feels that their abilities, ambitions, opportunities or worth as a person is dictated by their gender.